Grieving

Hello my friends,

I've been doing a lot of "going through" stuff over the past few months since my dad died. From cleaning out his closets and donating his clothes, shoes, and numerous jackets to charity along with going through his office this past weekend with my brother.

I've taken that same energy to go through some cherished papers here at home. My dad was a master letter writer with impeccable penmanship and always knew how to make me feel better. Some letters were short & sweet while others were long & filled with life lessons that were passed down to me & my brothers. I always cried at the end of each one. I cried because his words made me feel heard, I cried because I felt so alone after leaving for college in late August of 1985, and I cried because I was scared after his heart attack at the Bears/Patriots game only 3 weeks into my freshman year.

But most of all I cried because I know how much he loved and cared about me, his darling daughter.

The months since his death have been surreal. I find myself waiting for the phone to ring, wanting to drive down to U of C Hospital for a visit or pick him up for one of our father/daughter meals at Once Upon a Bagel. I know that won't happen ever again. The permanency of death is tough to wrap my head around at times.

At times it has felt like being lost in the dark without a flashlight. Those have been the worst days, but somehow I have found the strength thru my tears, even while they are streaming down my face, to carry on and face the day.

Grieving is personal, grieving is normal and grieving is healthy. I've found that my grief has allowed me to understand just how much my dad was loved and how much he loved back.

Most importantly, grieving has made me understand that I am allowed to grieve and feel sad whenever it hits me.

xoxo,
Jennifer

Stepping Aside

Before the clouds opened up today and started pouring I spent part of the day with my dad, eating lunch at Once Upon a Bagel, going to Barnes & Noble to get a book and then heading to Sunset to do a little grocery shopping.

As we were going from place to place I couldn't help but notice how my dad along with other people who need assistance walking either with a cane, walker or wheel chair are treated in public places.

This doesn't apply to everyone of course and is simply my observation so please don't get mad at me for my post.

Our final stop was Sunset and we were lucky to park right by the door closest to where cars are loaded with groceries. As we were walking across the lot a women decided that her time in the car once her groceries were loaded was more important than waiting for us to get inside, she was slowly inching forward while we were still moving. We were in "her" lane at this point and needed a few more seconds to get inside. I didn't say anything as her windows were closed, but the reality of this specific situation has stuck with me all day.

Everyone gets older, some age well and don't need a cane, walker or wheel chair to get from place to place. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who do need help. These people are our parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins and friends.

It costs us nothing but a few minutes, even seconds to step aside and let them go first. I sure hope when I'm older people step aside for me if I need help or more time walking across the parking lot, don't you?

I Miss My Dad

I miss my dad. I miss our conversations and I miss his laugh. I miss hearing him say “well hello there” or “darling daughter this is dapper dad” when we would talk on the phone. I miss feeling the smile on his face and the love he had for me in his voice. I miss our lunches at Once Upon a Bagel and grocery shopping at Sunset. I miss hearing the same jokes over and over, I miss laughing with him. I miss it all.

I told him a few months ago while we were on the phone that I felt like he was getting closer to the other side and how I had so many things to talk to him about, we needed more time. I told him I wasn't ready to call my brothers instead of him. It was a Thursday and he was in the hospital at U of C. We made a plan for Saturday, just the two of us. No other visitors for him that day. Time, thank goodness we had more time.

We had a great day. We talked about business, work, family, being happy and most importantly about being loved. I remember crying a lot that day. I remember talking to him that evening and crying again. After we hung up I sent him a text telling him not to worry about me that I’m ok. He texted me back the next day saying he won’t worry because there’s still time. Time, thank goodness we had more time.

While the hospital stays became more frequent and longer in duration, I was still hopeful we had more time. We had to have more time.

I remember the moment it became clear we were out of time……….my heart sank, the tears started and didn't stop. I wasn't ready to say goodbye yet, I needed more time.

The last 6 days of my dads life were extraordinary, filled with love and laughter & tears. Pretty fitting for such an incredible human being who lived his life with passion and integrity. I witnessed personal moments of him saying goodbye and I love you to not only dear friends and my mom but to his many nurses who had cared for him over the past 3 years. It was beautiful and incredibly sad. The family goodbyes were the most touching and are sacred moments that are etched in my heart forever. He was loved and treasured by so many people. I know our family has felt that love ever since his passing 4 weeks ago today.

I miss my dad and will continue to miss him everyday. I know it will get better over time. I just need more time. xoxoxo