Sharing

I know you might find this hard to believe but I used to be very private with my thoughts & feelings.

It all started when I was 13, the only person I would open up to was my therapist.  I was smart enough to know that what was said in that office stayed in that office.  I felt safe knowing my words and emotions were protected.  I continued like this for many years which helped get me through my dad’s heart attack, my parents separation, dad moving out, my Grandma Syl’s untimely passing and especially staying strong enough to graduate from college which at times seemed like mission impossible.  I would joke with my parents that the disintegration of our Normal Rockwell family picture came at the absolute worst time for me.  I was just three weeks into my freshman year at college when my dad got sick. 

The beginning of the end was just beginning and I could the feel the crack in my foundation, afraid to answer the phone for fear of more bad news.

Transferring schools after freshman year in college helped, going from knowing almost everyone in my dorm to knowing one person helped me to start fresh and share only what I wanted to share about “me”.  My weekly phone calls with my therapist helped tremendously, I certainly didn’t want to burden my family, they were going through enough and I didn’t want them to worry more than they already were about me. 

I remember my graduation, December of 1989.  I lost a semester worth of credits when transferring so kudos to me for making it happen in 1989, I did it! 

School was never my strong suit, so the fact that I graduated and then decided years later to get my masters while working full time threw everyone for a loop!  I would joke that I got in line for personality twice……. the standard response was “oh sweetie you’re not dumb”.  Oh, believe me I know that! 

Self-deprecation is something I learned very well at an early age, I would call it my bullet-proof vest.

As the years went on and my life evolved from a college student to an adult paying taxes, I found myself unable to keep certain emotions to myself.  I would let certain things slip and by the time the words were spoken it was too late.  Wow, look at that……I’m human after all and realized that opening up wasn’t so bad.   

I retreated a bit for many years when my personal life changed from a married person with two babies to a single mom with two kids under three and working full-time. I was an anomaly back in 2003.  I could feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.  It’s a miracle I haven’t started shrinking yet, still holding strong at 5’3!  I didn’t know anyone like me back then, making it through the day doing what had to be done, no complaining just doing.  I didn’t have the time nor did I feel the need to get emotional, except of course when I was alone.  That was ok, it was safe just like when I was in my therapist’s office. 

As the years went on, I could feel my brain about to burst.  I had to talk, had to let it out.  I needed to be as strong on the inside as I was on the outside.  I could feel another crack in the foundation and needed help so I found my way back to a different therapist and sat on the couch, again. 

It felt different this time.  I was older a bit wiser and surer about why I was seeking help this time around.  I became more confident through a lot of hard work on the couch about my future (working with my younger brother and dad for 8/12 years helped!) and I slowly started to believe that everything would be okay. 

 I took another hiatus from therapy for several more years and went about my business, working, raising my children and of course spending time with family and friends.  Living my life, just like you.    

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I could feel myself opening up a bit more without the help of that couch, this time I let my guard down a bit more.  I could feel things shift a little bit in my life, my dad’s declining health being that “thing”.  I could feel that “weight” again on my shoulders and I didn’t feel the need to censure myself anymore.  I really needed my safety net, my friends and anyone who would listen to be honest.

The benefit of sharing has been overwhelming, and really such a blessing to me.  I know I have shared quite a bit with all of you over the past 8 months, it’s been a life saver.  The conversations and hugs (I love hugs!) when we run into each other have made me feel so good.  Please know how much your kind words, hugs and support mean to me.

I have found great solace from being honest with my emotions since losing my dad.  It’s been one of the most painful experiences of my life.  It feels good to let it out, for me sharing my feelings has been the best therapy.  I’ve accepted the reality that I’ll have good days and bad, happy and sad, that’s just the way it is and that’s ok. 

So, the next time we run into each other whether it’s a good day or bad, let’s make sure we stop and say hello.  Staying connected with each other thru life’s ups and downs helps in more ways than you can ever imagine.

Wishing all of you a wonderful weekend, hugs and all!  xoxo