One Year

I have a confession to make, something I’ve been keeping to myself for just over a year now since my dad has passed away. Well, maybe I’ve shared this with my therapist and a few dear friends but you get my drift. Hard to believe it’s been over 365 days already, seems like yesterday. So, cliché to say, I’m not a big fan of using them but it is true, painfully true. How could a year have gone by already?

All the details leading up to his last day on this earth are so clear and vivid in my mind, fresh as a newly painted wall or an open wound. I’ve closed my eyes so many times over the past few months especially while my kids were at camp and could have sworn that I was back at Highland Park Hospital or University of Chicago Hospital visiting with my dad, laughing, eating (of course) and just hanging out talking about life while either a Cubs game or CNN was on tv in the background.

One of the conversations we had last summer which took a few father/daughter visits and a handful of phone calls to finish had to do with his funeral. It was really a beautiful conversation, sad of course but so very special. One of the two saved messages from him on my phone which I hope never gets deleted are him telling me who he wanted as his pallbearers. As you know by now we talked about a lot and this was an important detail. As we said to each other……it’s business😊

My brothers & I decided that we would go in reverse birth order for the eulogies……Jimmy, me & then Jeffrey. I tried to convince Jeffrey that me going last would be best as I was sure to bring the crowd (and what a crowd it was) to its knees with stories only I could tell.

Jimmy’s words were filled with so much love you could feel it. I hadn’t prepared anything on paper, I started writing a little the night before but it didn’t seem real so I stopped. I was on autopilot; my mind was somewhere else and I figured I would just wing it.

It was my turn……I walked up and looked at all the people. So many people from every stage of our family’s life from even before my brothers and I were even born. It was overwhelming to see and so incredibly beautiful. I started talking but the next thing I remember is stopping to the sound of someone falling and the entire room went quiet. I froze. What was happening and why now? I need to finish.

It turned out a someone passed out during my eulogy, I ran to see who it was then ran to the “family room” to get damp towels, brought them to my dad’s nurses who happened to be sitting near the person who fell. The paramedics & fire department was called and took her to the hospital. It was a case of Vasovagal and thankfully she was ok.

I didn’t get to finish. Before I blinked Jeffrey was finished with his eulogy and we were walking out of the funeral home into the limousines and heading to the cemetery. I couldn’t catch my breath, I didn’t get to finish I kept saying to myself.

I would joke (what else was I to do?) the rest of the day into the first night of Shiva up until the last night of Shiva how I would be in therapy for 500 years because I didn’t get to finish. I would also joke that of course it had to happen to me, the middle child, the invisible one. It would never to happen to anyone else, ever.

I was having the hardest time processing not being able to finish during my dad’s funeral. I didn’t know how resolve it but knew I had to somehow do something. So, as I made my way thru my daughter’s 8th grade open house a few weeks after my dads funeral with teary filled eyes I decided I was going to start writing as soon as I got home.

I needed to get the words out and that’s how it all started putting “pen to paper” as real writers would say.

I am and will continue to be incredibly grateful, appreciative & humbled by all your kind words, hugs, smiles, tears, words of encouragement and support. I am also even more grateful to those of you who have been honest enough to tell me when I am sharing too much. All of us have our own stuff going on in our lives and sometimes too much sharing and too much detail is just too much to bare.

As always, much love and tons of hugs to all of you my friends.

xoxo,
Jennifer