Finding Happy

The holidays have always been a tough time for me, ever since the fall of 1985 when my dad first got sick and then my parents separation the following spring.  For my entire life up until that evening on September 28th, 1985 I had a pristine (well so I thought) life, we were just missing the white picket fence.  Our family was Jay, Judy, Jeff, Jennifer, Jimmy & our dog J.J.  We all had blue eyes, I even pretended J.J. did because I thought it made our family sound even more cool:).

I remember a happy life growing up on Millbrook Lane.  I remember how much our home was filled with friends and family, laughing, playing and just hanging out.  I remember my older brother’s friends coming over to play basketball and I would wind up playing jacks with them in our laundry room, it had the best jacks floor!  I remember being on the phone once when we got our second land line and my older brother picking up his phone and giving me the 5-minute warning, it didn’t matter that I had just dialed my friend and expected to be on for hours. 

I remember Jeffrey and I fighting before my parents had even shut the front door when they went out on the weekends.  I remember my younger brother sitting with our dog J.J. on the stairs watching as my brother and I fought.  I remember talking with my younger brother’s friends on the phone when they called for what seemed like hours before Jimmy even realized they were on the phone.

I remember the holidays, both sets of grandparents would come over to our house or we would go to my Grandma Syl & Grandpa Sam's apartment behind what used to be Great Godfrey Daniels in Skokie.  There must have been 30 people that fit into their apartment.  I can smell my grandma’s matzo ball soup now, she made it so well.  When I close my eyes, I can see every detail of their apartment including the yellow kitchen table & chairs and the smell of her soup.

I remember all of it and I remember that everyone was happy because we were all smiling and laughing.

Once my Grandma Syl passed away the spring of 1987, the holidays never seemed the same to me.  Well, truth be told.......it really stopped once my parents split up but who's keeping track??  She was the glue, the matriarch and brought it all together.  She brought the laughter, the love, and most importantly the everlasting feeling of being happy. 

I remember for the first time in a long time not feeling happy and could feel it from my head to my toes.  I didn't know what to do about it........

I’ve learned a lot about happiness and being happy over the years.  I know that happiness is a choice even when you feel like your life is not what you expect, or you feel like happiness is for everyone else but you……believe me, I felt that way back in 1986 when my family was falling apart.  I also felt that way back in 2003 when I chose to start a new life as a single full time working mom with my kids who were 11 months and 3 years old.   

My dad, the patriarch of our family, helped me understand how to find the tools to get to happy and I didn’t have to travel very far.  The tools you see are inside all of us, we all come fully equipped with a tool box.  It just takes some of us a little longer to figure out how to use them all😊

My road to happy and finding the right tools at the right time hasn’t been smooth and at times seemed insurmountable.  It’s taken work and time standing in front of the mirror, but it’s a work in progress just like life.

I’m happy for my life today, all of it.  I hope you can find your happy this year my friends.  Xoxo, Jennifer