Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Aunt Flo's First Visit

I am the middle child in between two boys and always considered myself a tomboy growing up much to the disappointment of my mom.  When my brothers and I played monkey in the middle, I was always the monkey.  When they needed an extra basketball player when their friends came over, I filled in.  When my older brothers friends came over somehow we all wound up playing jacks in the laundry room, except for my brother!  I always felt comfortable around the boys and they seemed to like hanging out with me, probably because I was the little sister or "cool" older sister.  I secretly liked the attention but knew it was platonic, they were all like my brothers.  I never felt awkward or embarrassed about my ever developing body when I was around them.  Unfortunately, I can't say the same thing when I was around my guy friends as well as some of girl friends growing up.  I was "full grown" by 5th grade having gone thru puberty faster than a speeding bullet.  It was dreadful and I didn't feel like I had any support at home with my mom, we were pretty repressed in our house.  Well, maybe not repressed we just didn't talk about anything having to do puberty, getting your period or the first trip to Schwartz's for the dreaded first bra.  It was baseball hot dogs and ice cream with a few cool rock concerts thrown in the mix.  We were indeed a very "hip" family on the outside.  On the inside at least for me, I was secretly struggling. 

My body was changing almost overnight and I didn't have anyone to talk to, correction.....I didn't want to talk to anyone about this so I held everything inside.  Unfortunately, my first trip to the therapist wasn't until age 14 and by then puberty was over for me.  I had good friends but no one seemed to be going thru the change at least according to what I could see:).  So I just decided to wing it and do the best I could. 

I was babysitting one afternoon when I was 12 on a Sunday afternoon for a good friend of the families.  They had two girls who I adored and it was a pleasure watching them.  The food choices in the pantry were above average and we had plenty of things to keep us busy that day.  It was almost time for the parents to return and I made a quick trip to the bathroom.  Low and behold of all places my not so favorite Aunt Flo decided to make her first visit!  I was not only horrified but completely unprepared.  I didn't know what to do and asking the girls who were less than half my age didn't seem to be best solution.  I decided that rummaging through the bathroom drawers and closets for "supplies" might be too obvious so I just made the best of it until I got home.

A few minutes later the parents came home and it was finally time for me to be paid and go home, oh goody!  The car ride was quick as we lived about a mile apart, I said thank you very much shut the car door and ran into the house straight up to the bathroom and locked the door.  I didn't even notice that my family was sitting in the living room getting ready to watch our favorite show 60 Minutes.  I sat quietly on the toilet crying my eyes out wanting to climb out of the window and run away.  I was ashamed, humiliated and didn't know how to tell my mom.  Several minutes passed and my mom was quietly knocking on the door asking me to let her in, I said no and kept crying.  I wasn't screaming or yelling which was pretty rear lately, just crying.  This lasted for many more minutes and I finally decided to tell her in my own special way.  It seemed to take forever and I was leaning against the door to make sure she could hear me and I said........"I GOT WHAT COMES AT THE END OF A SENTENCE"!  There was silence, dead silence.  Did she hear me?  Does she not understand what I said, please don't make me repeat it!

No, she heard loud and clear but wanted to confirm what I said so she YELLS downstairs to my dad and brothers and asks....Honey, what comes at the end of a sentence????  Really, did this just happen or am I having a nightmare during the day while the sun is still shining?  I couldn't believe it and was just begging to be put out of my misery.

I think I stayed in the bathroom until my dad and brothers finally went upstairs to bed, I just couldn't face them but knew I couldn't avoid them forever.   So I crawled into bed after getting my supplies from my mom and finally fell asleep.

My mom fumbled her way through explaining what I needed to do since getting my period.  It was such an awkward conversation, I don't even think I was able to look her in the eyes.  I just couldn't believe this was happening to me so soon, I felt very alone.

Each day seemed to get a little easier and I did the best I could with the tools I was given to cope with this "rite of passage".  I have found great comfort over the years by retelling this story to friends as well as working through this with many years of therapy along the way.  I can now laugh out loud when I think of how I broke the news to my mom!