Thursday, January 31, 2013

More Than Nine Lives

I was thinking about the title for this post and finally settled on this one for no other reason other than it's the truth.  During some of my darkest times going back to adolescence I would always ask myself why are we even born if we eventually die?  I have been so fortunate as my first family death came in 1987 while I was a sophomore in college.  However in September of 1985 my dad had a massive heart attack while at the Chicago Bears game with my brother Jimmy.  He was rushed to the hospital and all of the doctors that saved his life that day were at the game too, talk about karma!  His heart stopped while on the table (flat lined) and one of the doctors grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him up while saying "you're scaring the shit out of me", my dad responded back with the same exact comment and his heart miraculously started beating again.  He was 47, smoked (3) packs of Lucky Strikes a day and would wake up in the middle of the night to make a salami omelet so he could keep our dog company!  Well those days came to a screeching halt. 

Ten years later in 1995 he needed to undergo open heart surgery for a quadruple bypass.  The doctors didn't know if he would even survive having his chest opened up let alone being able to get in and do the bypass.  My dad came through the surgery and was again on the road to recovery.  This would become a familiar theme as the years passed on.....Getting a defibrillator several years later, knee replacement surgery which had complications but again he prevailed and then recently another massive heart attack in the grocery store while on vacation and a second open heart surgery in 2012. 

I remember my dad saying many years ago that he just wanted to live long enough to see my brothers and I finish college and anything after that would just be "gravy".  He certainly has had a lot of gravy, over 25 years of it!  He's seen his children get married, have children, and has been to (3) of his grandchildren's Bar/Bat Mitzvah, pretty incredible.  He's even had time to make sure they root for the Cubs not the Sox:) 

How does this happen to someone who has a damaged heart but not a damaged spirit?  Is it magic, luck or karma?  I happen to think it's all of that and much more, it's not his time yet.

When will it be his time?  Days, Weeks, Months?  Who knows but we have come to understand and accept the eventuality that we all die someday.  We instead focus on being grateful for every day, living in the moment and letting people know how much we love them.

The rest is out of our control.

Monday, January 28, 2013

He Said What?

I turned 45 last year and decided it was time to get back out there and hopefully make a connection.  I've been on my own for over nine years and I'm ready to meet someone.  So I gave myself a present of a short term subscription to both Match.com and Jdate.  I had been on and off of Jdate for the past few years and didn't really make an effort so I needed a little help in the profile department.  Apparently my introduction of "Bubbly Old Soul with a Heart of Gold" was attracting NO ONE!  Well, that's not entirely true but I'm not the Anna Nicole Smith type and wasn't going for the gold.

Two of my friends stepped in to help clean it up and I was ready to go.  I removed a few really old photos and left one that I think looked pretty cute:)

I knew I had to put forth some effort this time and started typing away.  Nothing ventured nothing gained right?  It's all a numbers game and I knew it, needless to say my fingers were getting a little tired.  But slowly I would receive a reply for every BILLION I would send out:) 

My first and second blind date were scheduled!  I was meeting this guy for coffee on a very lovely Saturday afternoon.  I treated myself to a manicure and got in my car with the windows and sunroof open listening to some fabulous song, it was October and the weather was beautiful.  I parked and "rechecked" myself in the mirror.  I started walking towards the coffee house and decided to sit outside and wait for him to arrive. 

The next thing I know he comes up to me asking if I was "me" and then he preceded to say this......"You know, you don't look anything like your profile picture and I'm not interested".  He immediately turned around and walked away, no coffee, no water, nothing.  Shocked that someone would be so mean I just started laughing, got up and walked to my car.

That comment said more about him than me and I didn't take it personally, I just moved on......

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Sit Down

I knew that my ex-husband had an issue with gambling before I married him, not only were there signs but an actual "sit down" took place with him and his parents a few weeks after getting engaged.  I remember his parents coming to my tiny apartment in the city all of us sitting on my cozy couch in my even even cozier living room/kitchen.  My future father in-law did most of the talking while my future mother in-law cracked her gum like crazy and my soon to be husband was lying face down on my bed in my room.  By the way, if you sneezed while sitting on my couch you would automatically wind up in my room!

I was trying my best to listen but was so distracted by the gum cracking, it's one of my most annoying habits of others by the way.  I learned pretty quickly that his parents were in complete denial that the issue they were describing had to do with a gambling problem.  You see, my son "worked" with his dad at the Mercantile Exchange and had ever since graduating from college.  It was an interesting relationship from what I soon learned and was less about working and more about my fiance having fun and using the trading floor as his playroom. 

This particular situation was no exception and happened the day of our sit down which was a Monday night.  The previous Friday happened to be a good day for my fiance, he closed the day up over $25,000 and was ready for the weekend.  WOW!  Before I had time to process that information the other foot dropped.......My soon to be husband not only gave back the $25,000 he "made" on Friday but lost another $125,000 for a total loss of $150,000 in one day.  Black Monday is an understatement, I was speechless.  I didn't know what to say and the quiet in the apartment was unbearable. 

They wanted me to know what I was getting myself into before walking down the aisle, to decide before it was too late.  We all hugged goodbye and I thanked them for sharing this information.  That couldn't have been easy for them and I appreciated their candor. 

I knew I was going to be in the drivers seat from now on and had some work to do to get everything in order before getting married.  I also needed an education, about addiction. 

I learned a great deal about addiction by attending regular GA MANON meeting as well as open meetings with my fiance.  The stories sounded similar but yet were very different.  I would look around the room and everyone "looked" the same, somehow I thought "they" would look different.  I had to stop doing that because I was now one of them.  I looked forward to the meetings and knew they helped, I was very naive and everyone knew it.  There were several times at the open meetings where people would actually "call me" out actually laughing at me with my "it will be alright, I can handle this" attitude.  I knew I could handle it, but for how long? 

I came to understand and accept that relapse is part of recovery, that I wasn't responsible, but I also realized I was an enabler.  After many more months including couples counseling, individual counseling and self-reflection I realized that he wasn't ready to surrender.  I had some decisions to make and this time I had to consider our children.

My ex-husband has been in recovery for over nine years.  We work hard to co-parent our children and get along pretty well.  We have both forgiven each other by letting go of the past and moving forward. 

The serenity prayer says it all......God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.





Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Downsizing at the age of Forty-Five, how liberating!

 
Owning a house was never on my bucket list of "have to's" I was concerned about being able to provide for my family including having a roof over our head.  It didn't matter whether I rented or owned that roof.  I had experienced owning a home with my ex-husband which we sold after splitting up and then I bought another house on my own for my kids and I in 2003.  We lived in that house until 2007 and then moved to another house that was closer to my ex-husband and both of our families.  Needless to say, I have been blessed with good luck and karma in the housing market!

In early 2012 after owning the house since 2007, I decided it was time to simplify our life even more and put it on the market.  I remember people saying "you're crazy, it'll never sell, etc etc etc.".  I knew one thing for sure; I was crazy if I didn't try!  I was so excited while signing the listing agreement and was looking forward to seeing the sign in the front yard.  The house officially went on the market the Monday after Easter weekend 2012 and went under contract about 45 days later, WOW!

Now the clock really started ticking and I needed to find a place to live.......and fast.  I wanted to rent a house in the same neighborhood since my daughter had two more years left at her elementary school.  As luck would have it, the house directly across the street from ours was for rent and it was my favorite house on the block!  I had never seen the inside but knew it was also filled with good karma.....I knew the owner, she was a single mom of three kids and was getting remarried and moving into her husbands house along with her children.  I signed a (3) year lease and was excited for a smaller "footprint" filled with charm and tons of character! 

Always remember you get to choose what you need to be happy, whether it's a smaller house, bigger dog or endless pairs of shoes, just work hard to make it happen:)











Thursday, January 17, 2013

Loved being the host!


I recently hosted a cocktail party at my house to celebrate the New Year and my birthday.  It was my second time having company since moving this past summer.  The first time was for Hanukkah with my family and only involved ordering some pizza from Moccios and making a colorful salad!  This time I needed a little help which is where Michelle @ My Inspired Table comes in.  I wanted to keep it simple and she offered up some great suggestions.  I didn’t have to worry about drinks because I had asked my friends to bring a favorite bottle of wine.  Well, the day of the party I had prepared nothing!  I left work early and headed straight to Mariano’s in Vernon Hills, I love that place!  Following Michelle’s  tips I headed straight to the cheese section and my new friend Jennifer was eager to help!   She not only picked out a few delicious cheeses but also a colorful assortment of olives and other goodies from the antipasto bar and a nice baguette.  I also splurged for some great shrimp and I was in and out in a flash.  I decided once I got home to use my china, crystal and silver.  I felt like such a grown-up!

 Thank you so much Michelle, you have inspired me to step outside of the boxJ

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Think twice before hitting the send button.

I received an email from one of my son's moms the other day regarding one of the
boys in their "group".  They are in 6th grade and are in the habit of hanging
out as a group sometimes after school in downtown HP.  Sometimes they go in
pairs of 2 sometimes not, this time it was about 5 or 6 boys.  One of the boys
left his cell phone at home and asked all of the boys if he could borrow their's
to make a call.  He is a sensitive but good kid and started to cry when no one
offered it up right away.  Eventually they all said he could use one of theirs
but by then I believe the damage had already been done.  He said no and left and
ultimately started to walk home in the cold rain on Wednesday of this week. 
Luckily the mom who sent the email was driving and noticed him walking alone and
crying.  She stopped, picked him up and drove him home.  The email was sent
shortly thereafter.  I was so sad and cringed at the thought of "what if it were
my son".  I was quick to voice my opinion, shame on me.
That night as my son had a basketball game and was suprised that two of the
mom's seemed pretty annoyed at the whole thing and didn't think their kids did
anything wrong.  After the game I talked with my son and shared my
disappointment.  I explained that I expected him to do the right thing and stick
up for his friend but he didn't.  I also explained that he can't have it both
ways by going over to this friends house all of the time and then not be there
when his friend really needed him.  It was a brief conversation that night that
was continued the next day along with my ex-husband.  We are concerned.  The
next step is what is hauting me.....I took it upon myself to send an email to
the "moms" and instead of writing in a warm and fuzzy tone, I sounded downright
condescending and self-righteous.  Hence the downside of communicating via
email.  The replies, texts and voicemails were horrible and gave me the wake up
call I guess I needed to stay out of it.  I since have apo
logized for creating such a mess and have asked for forgiveness, I have
received one reply.  I expressed to all of them that I know we all parent
differently and that my main concern regarding this situation was the "bullying"
aspect of what had happened.  I was also asking for their help so we can talk as
a group to work on remedying the situation.  I know that won't happen now and I
am okay with that but do I have a morale obligation here to anyone other than my
son?  He has reached out to his friend to apologize and I have let it go and have moved on.



Tuesday, January 15, 2013

This is how it started

I am a divorced mom of two and have been on my own since my daughter was 11 months old and my son was 3. They are almost 10 and 12 now and I can't believe how fast the years have gone by; it feels like only yesterday that I was rocking them to sleep in the middle of the night feeling blessed and grateful for their existence while at the same time wondering why the "Norman Rockwell" fictional portrait on the wall wasn't exactly as I had envisioned.
I was a late bloomer and my transition from being single to being in a relationship-engaged-married-baby-house-another baby-separated was fast and furious. All of these critical life changes happened in less than five years, the final blow came in late October of 2003 right after our son turned 3 when I went into my dad's office (I worked with him and my younger brother), closed the door and asked "how do you know if you're happy?" It was the only question I needed to ask out loud and of course I knew the answer before my dad had time to speak.
The next day after dropping off our children at daycare I went back home, it was time to liberate myself and take the first step towards "happiness". I didn't tread lightly and put one toe in the water, i jumped in head first. What happened after the words left my mouth still haunt me......he went ballistic although what did I expect? You see, he was a compulsive gambler and alcoholic and I reached my breaking point. The signs were all there even before he asked me to marry him. Nice Jewish boy meets nice Jewish girl, nice right? Well of course but the gambling was the dirty little secret I didn't want to admit. I wanted Norman Rockwell and felt this was my only chance....
What happened over the next several months was heart wrenching as I was making my way in the world of being on my own with my two precious jewels while at the same time the man I left was on the verge of suicide and ultimately was admitted to rehab.
After many months of couples therapy, GAMANON meetings and serious self-reflection I realized that my decision to leave was ultimately the right one and I have never looked back.
I am blessed with my precious jewels (AKA my children) they are the best gift and I am thankful for walking down the aisle otherwise I would have never known the overwhelming joy and pleasure of motherhood. I have crossed off a major want on my "bucket list".
There is one item on my list that has been lingering for quite a long time.......I'd like to get back out there and find love again. There, I finally said it. While I have had dated a little bit since being on my own I have never really admitted to myself that finding love again is something I really want in my life. Now the question is how? I'm not a big fan of dating sites and am an old soul at heart with traditional and old school values. I'd love to get fixed up or be introduced but don't know how to get the word out without sounding "needy or dependent". People I know that have walked in similar shoes have made their second transition from single-married-divorced-remarried or "coupled" so easy and effortless. My life has never been about easy and getting back out there socially is like going to the dentist without having my gums swabbed before the scrapping begins. As a matter of fact, I think doing to the dentist would be a cake walk compared to putting myself out there again.
I have never felt better and am blessed with the life that I have created for myself and my children, and feel ready to open that door, I just feel like I have two left feet when it comes to this "stuff".
 
So that's where you come in......your story and those you have shared on your blog make everything sound like smooth sailing even though I know choppy waters always accompany any good story. I want my story to include another chance at love & happily ever after, can you help me get there?

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Just another acronym:)

I asked my son what his plans were yesterday afternoon and of course he responded with "idk" to which I responded "kmp".....he had no clue how hip his mom was had to ask what it stood for!  Keep
me posted:)!

Monday, January 7, 2013

Happy Birthday!

I've always LOVED my birthday for as long as I can remember and this year was no different.  It was an incredible day spent with my two precious jewels Noah & Rachel.  I am incredibly blessed & grateful to have received birthday wishes from friends old & new, near & far and of course my family.  I am very lucky to have celebrated with my mom for a mother/daughter dinner as well as having a great talk with my dad:)  Our daddy/daughter dinner or brunch will have to wait for another day but I am blessed that he is holding strong at 74.  The day ended with a great dinner at one of our favorite places, all of us devouring our burgers and topping it off with an delicious ice cream sundae!