I had my Bat Mitzvah in 1980 a little over 33 years ago back when Bare Traps and Culottes were hip and happening and there was no such thing as a Goody Bag or Giveaway. It was simple and didn't involve an excel spreadsheet. I don't recall having more than one Bar/Bat Mitzvah on any given weekend. Somehow any "date" conflicts (of which there might have been one or two) were accepted as par for the course and we all accepted the reality that EVERYONE might not be able to attend. It was actually a blessing to those parents who were footing the bill and no one made a stink either way. It's one day that usually has the most significance to the family. Everyone else is coming to support the family and get a free meal:).
So imagine my surprise 31 years later that I learn just how much this process or right of passage has changed, well at least in our neighborhood. Since I work full time I would only get bits of pieces of the latest chatter or gossip swirling through the neighborhood. So I had no idea that there is now an Excel Spreadsheet that is maintained by a few moms to coordinate and track the Bar/Bat Mitzvah dates that come out every year. Really, is this true? Information overload was my first thought and g-d bless them for doing it, a thankless job for sure.
My first "real" experience with this phenomenon came a few years ago back in 2011 when my son was 11 years old and at the time attended Sunday School and Hebrew School. It was the end of the 2010/2011 school year which meant the release of Bar/Bat Mitzvah dates for when they turn 13. Yes apparently we need at least two years notice to start planning. I remember picking my son up from Sunday School and going inside the lobby of the synagogue where a group of the kids were hanging out waiting to be picked up. I noticed they each had an envelope in their hand and soon realized it was "THE DATE". I casually looked at the date given to my son and we were on our way to breakfast. Apparently word travels faster than fast now and the news was out that my son and another girl in his grade had the same date, heaven forbid! I didn't think much of it I mean it was May of 2011 and the date was in November of 2013, two and half years away. Who thinks that far into the future? I barely know what my plans are on any given day sometimes, (unless of course it's a game for either one of my kids). Who the heck knows what's going to happen so far into the future? How about we focus on the present and maybe the near future, but two and a half years into the future, I don't think so:)
So as my son and I are being seated we run into one of his friends and their family. The first question out of his friends mouth is I heard you and so & so have the same date! Wow, really? So the mom of the friend says to me....."You don't want to go up against so & so, I would just change your date now" What did she just say? I gave her a pleasant smile and proceeded to our table.
About a week or two later while my entire family was in Sarasota celebrating our great uncle's 95th birthday I get a phone call from a number I didn't recognized so I let it go to voice mail. You'll never guess who it was......it was so & so's mom! I figured I better get this call out of the way so I called her back.
I've always considered myself to be a pretty strong person, rarely influenced by others to either change my mind or decision that ultimately was best for me and my family. To be honest, I don't recall this ever happening before getting married, having kids and getting divorced.
She was very lovely on the phone and to be honest the date given to my son wasn't really important to us but was super important to her, it was a no brain-er. She went on and on thanking me for being so cooperative and said if anyone tried to back me into a corner for my daughter when she gets her date (she is 2 years younger than my son) that I should call her:).
I decided to call our temple right away to let them know we would need to change our date and noticed my son's 13th birthday fell on a Saturday that year and asked if that date was available, it was YIPPEE! They made the change and that was that. Onto enjoying the beautiful weather in Sarasota, crisis averted. So I thought.......
Apparently, someone else NEEDED to have our "new" date. Not so fast......My son and this boy were friends and their birthdays were two days apart so of course the mom pleaded with me to change the date. She said they NEEDED to have that date because they have a large family and wanted to drink and dance all night that weekend. So be my guest, I'm not changing the date. I repeated the same thing over and over, my son's birthday fell on that Saturday and we're not changing our date period end of story.
As it turns out, my son decided not to continue with Sunday School and Hebrew School and is taking a pass on getting Bar Mitvah'd. The mother backed off, her son backed off and we all moved on:)
I fully recovered from the craziness of a few years ago, still shocked to personally experience how people behave but thankful that I wasn't one of them.
So it wasn't much of a surprise when my daughter got her date a few weeks ago. I was now an expert in how this process works and filed the incoming emails and blank spreadsheet for the 2013/2014 Mitzvah season in my personal folder.
We got a date that was one of (4) options that were pretty close to my daughters 13th birthday, great! I couldn't mark the date down on my IPhone (doesn't go out that far in advance, just like me) but who cares. Not even 24 hours after the dates were given out in our community (all of the Synagogues collaborated so dates are given out at the same time) did my inbox start filling up from the "Keeper of the Spreadsheet" along with emails from the two moms who apparently got the same date as my daughter. One of the girls is a friend of my daughters and go to the same school, I don't know the other girl or her mom.
Both of them of course had already booked the room, booked the party coordinator and started looking at menu options, SERIOUSLY? (I don't know that for certain, this was simply added to demonstrate part of the story). What is wrong with you people? It's over two and a half years away, slow down! I politely emailed them back informing them the date works best for our family and that I had no idea of when the PARTY would be as I don't plan that far in advance.
My daughter came home from school that day and apparently now the kids are getting involved and asking to have the date changed. The "friend" suggested to my daughter that she change her date. My daughter who is wise beyond her years asked me "Why does everyone always ask us to change our date" referring of course to what happened with her brother a few years before. She wanted her Bat Mitzvah to be close to her birthday, her choice and something that is important to her. Works for me, and our family. I reiterated via email that the date works best for our family and that I wouldn't be changing, period end of story. I wasn't standing on ceremony or digging my heals just living life that is best for our family.
I am the eternal optimist and believe everything works out in the end and so will this. The service and luncheon for family is all set and the party....well, we'll just wait and see what date works best once all of the "final dates" are hard coded into the spreadsheet:)
While it would be "nice" if everyone could have their own date the reality is completely unrealistic and pretty ridiculous if you stop and think about it. Let's stop this nonsense before it gets any worse.
