Strength

I am strong, I have a strong heart and I have a strong soul.  

I wasn't always this strong, or maybe I've always been deep down inside, but it was buried like a hidden treasure from everyone including me throughout most of my life.

I felt incredibly strong recently for one hour while taking a yoga sculpt class.  I got my body moving to the music, jumping, sweating and twisting  like I've never moved it before.  I felt so strong during that hour, physically, mentally and emotionally.  

I was so proud of myself, I forgot how good it felt to feel your strength.  I forgot how good it feels to put yourself first, make time to show up for class and do the work.  Boy did it feel good to feel so strong.

I texted two of my friends, sharing how great I felt and thanking them for silently cheering me on like an angel on my shoulder during that hour.  They were so proud of me, as I was for myself.

I took that strength into the grocery store, grabbed a bottle of water while I shopped and left with a few bags and headed home.  I parked the car in my spot, grabbed all of the bags and evenly distributed them between my left and right hand and started walking to the door.

I was still feeling pretty strong, pretty balanced and still proud but then something happened..........I lost my balance, fell to the ground, skinned my right knee and tore my leggings, but luckily my groceries were still intact, phew!  

Somehow, in that moment I didn’t feel so strong.  

I stood up, left the bags on the ground and walked in the door and called for Noah.  "Mom, why didn't you ask for help?"  

Me, "because I figured I was strong enough to carry them all"

Strength seemed to permeate the walls of our house while growing up on Millbrook Lane.  We were strong in our own unique way and demonstrated our strengths with such conviction.  Whether it was on the tennis or basketball court, golf course, in the art studio in the classroom, on the job or spending time with family and friends.  

Growing up Hechtman seemed to ooze strength.

I have worn my strength like invisible armour, my protective shield for as long as I can remember.  It’s my security blanket.  It keeps me safe, it reminds me that I will eventually overcome and carry on.  It keeps me going and getting up everyday.

Strength, whatever kind you possess, is inside all of us.  It's what helps us accept life's challenges head on.  It's one of the precious tools in our  "tool box" that is easy to grab but not so easy to use at times.  It will always be there, never needing to be sharpened or replaced.  

How will you use your strength this weekend?

Much love to you my friends.

xo,

Jennifer 

Missing Someone

I’ve been missing someone lately, I’ve been missing hearing his voice and missing our conversations. I’ve been missing his laugh and I’ve been missing our lunches at Once Upon a Bagel and grocery shopping at Sunset. Recently, every time I step into these places the pain of missing him hurts so much that it’s made me catch my breath a few times.

I’m looking for this person in the aisles and at the check-out counter, I’m looking for his white car in the parking lot. I’m searching for his face sitting down and eating his favorite omelet but he’s nowhere to be found. I’m listening hard, maybe he’s here and if I wait just a minute I’ll hear his laugh…but he’s nowhere to be found and I know where to find him, but I don’t want to go there because then I’ll be reminded that it’s real.

Of course, I know he’s gone, I was there every step of the way up until the very end and after. I just thought if I missed him enough he would appear right before my eyes, like magic but that’s not how this works and I know it. I would give anything for a phone call with this person I’ve been missing, anything.

I needed to talk with this person so badly recently and he wasn’t there, I closed my eyes and listened for his voice in my head, but his voice wasn’t there. I read some of his letters he wrote me thinking maybe his voice would pop into my head this way, but it didn’t.

There was silence and then the feel of my tears because I knew he was never coming back.

So, I breathed and reached out to my other lifelines. I thought that would help make the tears stop but it didn’t because if this was a math problem adding up all my lifelines (I am blessed & grateful to have many) they would never equal him.

I’ve been going and doing and moving forward as best as I can, but this missing thing hit me so hard and broke me down. Somehow, I thought at this point my Teflon shield would have re-appeared, but it must still be in the repair shop.

I think I’ll call that repair shop and see if they can tell me when my shield will be ready…In the meantime, I’ll just sit with my feelings have a good cry and wait for that missing feeling to subside.

Much love my friends xoxo

Finding Happy

The holidays have always been a tough time for me, ever since the fall of 1985 when my dad first got sick and then my parents separation the following spring.  For my entire life up until that evening on September 28th, 1985 I had a pristine (well so I thought) life, we were just missing the white picket fence.  Our family was Jay, Judy, Jeff, Jennifer, Jimmy & our dog J.J.  We all had blue eyes, I even pretended J.J. did because I thought it made our family sound even more cool:).

I remember a happy life growing up on Millbrook Lane.  I remember how much our home was filled with friends and family, laughing, playing and just hanging out.  I remember my older brother’s friends coming over to play basketball and I would wind up playing jacks with them in our laundry room, it had the best jacks floor!  I remember being on the phone once when we got our second land line and my older brother picking up his phone and giving me the 5-minute warning, it didn’t matter that I had just dialed my friend and expected to be on for hours. 

I remember Jeffrey and I fighting before my parents had even shut the front door when they went out on the weekends.  I remember my younger brother sitting with our dog J.J. on the stairs watching as my brother and I fought.  I remember talking with my younger brother’s friends on the phone when they called for what seemed like hours before Jimmy even realized they were on the phone.

I remember the holidays, both sets of grandparents would come over to our house or we would go to my Grandma Syl & Grandpa Sam's apartment behind what used to be Great Godfrey Daniels in Skokie.  There must have been 30 people that fit into their apartment.  I can smell my grandma’s matzo ball soup now, she made it so well.  When I close my eyes, I can see every detail of their apartment including the yellow kitchen table & chairs and the smell of her soup.

I remember all of it and I remember that everyone was happy because we were all smiling and laughing.

Once my Grandma Syl passed away the spring of 1987, the holidays never seemed the same to me.  Well, truth be told.......it really stopped once my parents split up but who's keeping track??  She was the glue, the matriarch and brought it all together.  She brought the laughter, the love, and most importantly the everlasting feeling of being happy. 

I remember for the first time in a long time not feeling happy and could feel it from my head to my toes.  I didn't know what to do about it........

I’ve learned a lot about happiness and being happy over the years.  I know that happiness is a choice even when you feel like your life is not what you expect, or you feel like happiness is for everyone else but you……believe me, I felt that way back in 1986 when my family was falling apart.  I also felt that way back in 2003 when I chose to start a new life as a single full time working mom with my kids who were 11 months and 3 years old.   

My dad, the patriarch of our family, helped me understand how to find the tools to get to happy and I didn’t have to travel very far.  The tools you see are inside all of us, we all come fully equipped with a tool box.  It just takes some of us a little longer to figure out how to use them all😊

My road to happy and finding the right tools at the right time hasn’t been smooth and at times seemed insurmountable.  It’s taken work and time standing in front of the mirror, but it’s a work in progress just like life.

I’m happy for my life today, all of it.  I hope you can find your happy this year my friends.  Xoxo, Jennifer