The Sit Down

I knew that my ex-husband had an issue with gambling before I married him, not only were there signs but an actual "sit down" took place with him and his parents a few weeks after getting engaged.  I remember his parents coming to my tiny apartment in the city all of us sitting on my cozy couch in my even even cozier living room/kitchen.  My future father in-law did most of the talking while my future mother in-law cracked her gum like crazy and my soon to be husband was lying face down on my bed in my room.  By the way, if you sneezed while sitting on my couch you would automatically wind up in my room!

I was trying my best to listen but was so distracted by the gum cracking, it's one of my most annoying habits of others by the way.  I learned pretty quickly that his parents were in complete denial that the issue they were describing had to do with a gambling problem.  You see, my son "worked" with his dad at the Mercantile Exchange and had ever since graduating from college.  It was an interesting relationship from what I soon learned and was less about working and more about my fiance having fun and using the trading floor as his playroom. 

This particular situation was no exception and happened the day of our sit down which was a Monday night.  The previous Friday happened to be a good day for my fiance, he closed the day up over $25,000 and was ready for the weekend.  WOW!  Before I had time to process that information the other foot dropped.......My soon to be husband not only gave back the $25,000 he "made" on Friday but lost another $125,000 for a total loss of $150,000 in one day.  Black Monday is an understatement, I was speechless.  I didn't know what to say and the quiet in the apartment was unbearable. 

They wanted me to know what I was getting myself into before walking down the aisle, to decide before it was too late.  We all hugged goodbye and I thanked them for sharing this information.  That couldn't have been easy for them and I appreciated their candor. 

I knew I was going to be in the drivers seat from now on and had some work to do to get everything in order before getting married.  I also needed an education, about addiction. 

I learned a great deal about addiction by attending regular GA MANON meeting as well as open meetings with my fiance.  The stories sounded similar but yet were very different.  I would look around the room and everyone "looked" the same, somehow I thought "they" would look different.  I had to stop doing that because I was now one of them.  I looked forward to the meetings and knew they helped, I was very naive and everyone knew it.  There were several times at the open meetings where people would actually "call me" out actually laughing at me with my "it will be alright, I can handle this" attitude.  I knew I could handle it, but for how long? 

I came to understand and accept that relapse is part of recovery, that I wasn't responsible, but I also realized I was an enabler.  After many more months including couples counseling, individual counseling and self-reflection I realized that he wasn't ready to surrender.  I had some decisions to make and this time I had to consider our children.

My ex-husband has been in recovery for over nine years.  We work hard to co-parent our children and get along pretty well.  We have both forgiven each other by letting go of the past and moving forward. 

The serenity prayer says it all......God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.